Seeing your face kills me

I lay here watching as these days fly by and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Then, like a bad train wreck I feel the realization hit me.
What am I doing in this hypocritical world? Why do friends have to judge? And why do I care?
I'm so sick of trying to please; searching for the perfect girl and always coming up short. They never seem to measure, and now I lay here and watch as the one girl I can see is all over someone else. It is more disappointing that I made the mistake of not seeing things sooner, than actually having to watch this. This I can handle. This I've seen before.
Regret is such a harsh word. I don't ever regret things or wish they could have been different. I just wish I knew how to make what I want to happen work now, after the fact. The idea of this engulfing my body for any longer than it needs is almost devastating. I'm tired, literally tired of everything. Trying to make things right. Trying to control. Trying to feel. It's probably the most physically draining thing that can be felt.

"If I was a flower growing wild and free, all I would want is you to be my sweet honey bee."

Video Flash

I've recently been working on a video for a class I'm taking. The video is a a music video recreation for edu. Purpose. Oddly I was shocked to find how much work is really involved in something like this. In the last week I've learned more about lighting then I know about myself. I now know that there's about a thousand lights and a billion people involved, just to shoot ONE scene. There's back lights and Key lights and soft lights and shadows and hard lights.

"More lights than your body has room for."

All I can really hope for is that it comes out looking professional in the end because, in all actuality, I have never created anything that was finished and ready for the public viewing. We'll just have to see, I guess.

Lunch room extravaganza

Daily, I find myself sitting with the craziest group of kids. They really are the unlikely group of friends, that I never expected to make. Most of them, are highly academic people who follow values much like mine with a minor difference: the idea of a good time.
These kids live for each other, they aren't caught up in the party life or the latest trend. They're full of inside jokes and outside mayhem and they are slowly starting to change my outlook of things.
Truthfully, they really are the greatest people you could ever know and they may very well be the defining factor of whether I am sick or sane.

I don't know why I do this...

I never know why I start these things. Eventually, I will forget it even exists and go on with life. Hopefully though, I will be able to jot down a few words about life that will help myself and possibly someone else.
I must disclaim that my words for some reason tend to be powerful and the possibility of you being influenced or even offended is highly likely. I don't write for anyone except myself; anything that others gather is their own responsibility.

"It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. All art is quite useless." -Oscar Wilde

Rhetorical questions

If you could ever go back to that moment and say the words different…
If you could pull in the tide and grasp that moment…
If you could reach out and touch the stars…
If you could feel so alive that it kills you…
If the stars could be closer…
If you could confide everything in one person…
If you could step back to see the view, and never lose your place…
If you could throw it all away…If you could see in to my mind…
If you could just wake up…

Would you?
It's "just a hoax. So forget" it

I envy your ignorance

I often lay awake at night wondering what it is that I’m still doing here. I spend each day surrounded by people of different religions and cultures, all of them with a belief in something. Beliefs in god, heaven,hell, afterlife, reincarnation, I envy all of it. I wish that I could simply believe in something.

Many times I feel as if I am cursed to have to suffer the harsh reality of it all coming to an end one day and for what? Why do I bother?I will spend my life searching for something that’s not there; doomed to roam for nothing. I will pour hours of work and dedication in to a passion that will be tossed out when I’m gone. I find myself anxious, grasping on for an excuse to waste my time just a little longer.

I have lost faith in everything that could bring peace of mind. I used to believe that Love was the answer to the questions and honestly that has been ruined for me. One after another my passions die out and I am left to watch the ignorant bask in their happiness, believing that they will live on for eternity in their happiness. They get to die thinking they’re starting over. I will die knowing that it’s the end and until that very last breath I will be fighting for nothing.

I am in no way scared to die; though, to miss out would be devastating.

A little side note: I knew a girl once that made all this alright. My beliefs, or lack thereof, have never changed, but while losing sight of her, I also lost sight of the answer to my questions. To have back that feeling, would be enough heaven for me.

A riot sounds nice

It is days like these that I lay around and I wonder where I will be next year or the year after. Sure, I know I'm going to Flagstaff, but where will I actually be. Will everything fall in to place like I've been hoping or will my entire world come crashing down before my eyes.I'm only 17 and yet I feel like I've already experienced the world. Meeting people from everywhere, and always falling in love with the ones I can never have. All I really want in life is to be happy. I'm not looking for rich and famous; just successful at something. I want to wake up every day next to a girl that blows my mind. That after 8 months, 8 years, 8 decades, I still feel the way I did that day walking. I thought I had all this once; the job (for the time), the girl, the friends. I never thought high school could get better… and I'm still under that impression honestly. Out of everything I could have or be, I just want to be happy like that again.

Maybe this is the large amount of Tylenol and Vick's Vapor Rub talking, but sometimes I really feel nostalgic for everything that once was. I stepped back to look at the view and everything was clear again but I couldn't manage to step forward again. Is everything lost? Or is all the world gained? I guess there's only one way to find out.

"Mair don noiméad"