I envy your ignorance

I often lay awake at night wondering what it is that I’m still doing here. I spend each day surrounded by people of different religions and cultures, all of them with a belief in something. Beliefs in god, heaven,hell, afterlife, reincarnation, I envy all of it. I wish that I could simply believe in something.

Many times I feel as if I am cursed to have to suffer the harsh reality of it all coming to an end one day and for what? Why do I bother?I will spend my life searching for something that’s not there; doomed to roam for nothing. I will pour hours of work and dedication in to a passion that will be tossed out when I’m gone. I find myself anxious, grasping on for an excuse to waste my time just a little longer.

I have lost faith in everything that could bring peace of mind. I used to believe that Love was the answer to the questions and honestly that has been ruined for me. One after another my passions die out and I am left to watch the ignorant bask in their happiness, believing that they will live on for eternity in their happiness. They get to die thinking they’re starting over. I will die knowing that it’s the end and until that very last breath I will be fighting for nothing.

I am in no way scared to die; though, to miss out would be devastating.

A little side note: I knew a girl once that made all this alright. My beliefs, or lack thereof, have never changed, but while losing sight of her, I also lost sight of the answer to my questions. To have back that feeling, would be enough heaven for me.

A riot sounds nice

It is days like these that I lay around and I wonder where I will be next year or the year after. Sure, I know I'm going to Flagstaff, but where will I actually be. Will everything fall in to place like I've been hoping or will my entire world come crashing down before my eyes.I'm only 17 and yet I feel like I've already experienced the world. Meeting people from everywhere, and always falling in love with the ones I can never have. All I really want in life is to be happy. I'm not looking for rich and famous; just successful at something. I want to wake up every day next to a girl that blows my mind. That after 8 months, 8 years, 8 decades, I still feel the way I did that day walking. I thought I had all this once; the job (for the time), the girl, the friends. I never thought high school could get better… and I'm still under that impression honestly. Out of everything I could have or be, I just want to be happy like that again.

Maybe this is the large amount of Tylenol and Vick's Vapor Rub talking, but sometimes I really feel nostalgic for everything that once was. I stepped back to look at the view and everything was clear again but I couldn't manage to step forward again. Is everything lost? Or is all the world gained? I guess there's only one way to find out.

"Mair don noiméad"