Call me queer

Call me queer. Call me old fashion. All I want, more than anything, is a girl who is just fun. Someone who doesn't have drink, wants to wait to have sex, and just loves to have fun. I want someone with problems I can handle. Someone who can handle my problems. I'm nothing special. I'm just a kid with a goal and a little ambition. If I could just find someone, anyone who can handle such a burden, my life would be absolutely amazing.
"For every breath wasted on you, I could have filled my troubled lungs." -Anonymous

Seeing your face kills me

I lay here watching as these days fly by and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Then, like a bad train wreck I feel the realization hit me.
What am I doing in this hypocritical world? Why do friends have to judge? And why do I care?
I'm so sick of trying to please; searching for the perfect girl and always coming up short. They never seem to measure, and now I lay here and watch as the one girl I can see is all over someone else. It is more disappointing that I made the mistake of not seeing things sooner, than actually having to watch this. This I can handle. This I've seen before.
Regret is such a harsh word. I don't ever regret things or wish they could have been different. I just wish I knew how to make what I want to happen work now, after the fact. The idea of this engulfing my body for any longer than it needs is almost devastating. I'm tired, literally tired of everything. Trying to make things right. Trying to control. Trying to feel. It's probably the most physically draining thing that can be felt.

"If I was a flower growing wild and free, all I would want is you to be my sweet honey bee."

Video Flash

I've recently been working on a video for a class I'm taking. The video is a a music video recreation for edu. Purpose. Oddly I was shocked to find how much work is really involved in something like this. In the last week I've learned more about lighting then I know about myself. I now know that there's about a thousand lights and a billion people involved, just to shoot ONE scene. There's back lights and Key lights and soft lights and shadows and hard lights.

"More lights than your body has room for."

All I can really hope for is that it comes out looking professional in the end because, in all actuality, I have never created anything that was finished and ready for the public viewing. We'll just have to see, I guess.

Lunch room extravaganza

Daily, I find myself sitting with the craziest group of kids. They really are the unlikely group of friends, that I never expected to make. Most of them, are highly academic people who follow values much like mine with a minor difference: the idea of a good time.
These kids live for each other, they aren't caught up in the party life or the latest trend. They're full of inside jokes and outside mayhem and they are slowly starting to change my outlook of things.
Truthfully, they really are the greatest people you could ever know and they may very well be the defining factor of whether I am sick or sane.

I don't know why I do this...

I never know why I start these things. Eventually, I will forget it even exists and go on with life. Hopefully though, I will be able to jot down a few words about life that will help myself and possibly someone else.
I must disclaim that my words for some reason tend to be powerful and the possibility of you being influenced or even offended is highly likely. I don't write for anyone except myself; anything that others gather is their own responsibility.

"It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. All art is quite useless." -Oscar Wilde

Rhetorical questions

If you could ever go back to that moment and say the words different…
If you could pull in the tide and grasp that moment…
If you could reach out and touch the stars…
If you could feel so alive that it kills you…
If the stars could be closer…
If you could confide everything in one person…
If you could step back to see the view, and never lose your place…
If you could throw it all away…If you could see in to my mind…
If you could just wake up…

Would you?
It's "just a hoax. So forget" it