Amazing<3

I had an Amazing night, with an Amazing girl, and the best group of friends I could ask for. The only way I can describe it is with short word bursts.

Work, Work, Work
Ice fight
Tampered water
$20
Crazy friends
Beautiful girl
Had an adventure
Forgot my fish
Forgot about it
Loud noises
Mountain Climbing
Afraid of heights
So am I
Shooting stars, Wishes
Steamy-Rolling
Wishes coming true
Loud noises
Acceptance
Cotton hauling
"Sleep" Talking
Heart Skipping
Amazement
Cuddling
Morning
Sunlight
Amazement
Maverick
Home
Sleep
Dreams
Smiles
Awake
Writing


"As the song spun, so did the room, as they hold hands all of the lights start to flicker, playing it safe, he kissed her cheek..." -Houston Calls



Amazing, Absolutely Amazing<3

Some reasoning

You see, I have this problem. It's rather hard to explain and likely even harder for you to understand. I have a problem with commitment; what guy doesn't, right? "He must have daddy issues." Haha... yeah that's it... Daddy issues, I wish it was that easy, you know? To just blame everything on one person and never actually take any blame on yourself, but then where's the point in that? Why bother living if you can't even slap your name next to EVERY action you take; EVERY move you make. No, my problems are much simpler than that. You see, there was this girl once. She was quite amazing. The problem was that she held my heart in her hands and one day she wasn't paying attention and, like a clumsy girl, dropped it, where it shattered. Sort of like Humpdy Dumpdy... only I didn't have a group of kings horses and Kings men to put me back together again. Instead, I had a group of friends of which mean the world to me, and they, single handedly put me back together and hold me there in one piece. It's amazing the amount of control we give to our friends, or even girls for that matter. As the story goes, she dropped my heart and now I have a hard time allowing people into my life because, believe it or not, hearts are not easy to glue back together.

A Day in the Life of a Girl

Being a man is something I pride myself in. On the other hand, I’m a firm believer in curiosity and a small bit of imagination. Waking up as a girl would be a crazy experience not only for the Twighlight Zone aspect but the experience in itself as well.
Waking up would be the same as always. The morning mope to the bathroom is where things get interesting. I personally am not awake at this point and therefore, whether I realized at this point or not, I would more than likely pee myself as I attempt to aim for the toilet without my missile turret… I mean satellite.
After a bit of cleanup and a lot of makeup, because I’m a girl… why not, I’d head out the door. As my feminine instincts kick in, I’ll find myself getting slightly grouchy, but all will be well once I enter the car and crank up the Spice Girls, Dixie Chicks, or some other all girl bands like Fall Out Boy. I’d then pull out of the drive way for school, hitting two trashcans and a dog. Down my street, the old man running stares at my chest with a Grinch smile on his face. Driving down the road, I’ll check my cell phone at least 6 times for the latest gossip and put on extra lip gloss at the stop light, even though it has been green for a few minutes.
School is the next challenge of the day. I meet up with the girls where we gossip about guys, our mother, and ponder the everlasting question, “Why is one boob bigger than the other?” Bell will ring and as I head to class, late, I stop to flirt with Wilcox in hopes of him not noticing just how late I am. I spend the school day attempting to answer questions that I secretly know the answer too, and play stupid in hopes the guy behind me will think its cute.
After school, I head over to tan before the dreaded night of work. Luckily, I happen to have turned in to a fairly attractive young lady that gets away with doing nothing, including: Cleaning toilets, stocking ice, dumping trash, and anything that can be considered productive and doesn’t make myself 3 times the amount of everyone else’s paycheck in tips.
I head home for the night, but not before stopping to see my BFFLs. We gossip and paint our nails odd colors before I rush home to get on the phone, with those same BFFLs because for some reason the phone is more exciting than person to person.
I head to bed thinking of what a horrible life I have because my nails are the wrong shade but alright with all of it because I have my BFFs.
All of that, only to wake up the next day as a guy, wondering why my shirt is stretched out at the chest, my nails are painted an awkward shade of Hooker Red (That’s a real color by the way), why Fall Out Boy is on repeat in the car, and more importantly, why the old man down the street winked at me as I drove by before looking disgusted when I got close enough for him to see I don’t have boobs. Hmmm… I wonder what that was all about. Aw well, at least I still have my satellite.

It's unbearable

It's amazing how only a few words can make a person so jealous. Or, how hypocracy can overcome all of us. I feel pressure all the way around me between work, school, friends and finances. Its almost unbearable and I find myself tired. Absolutely tired. Mostly I find myself vulnerable. Vulnerable to everything. If only I could feel a sense of relief. A sense of feeling. A sense of touch. It'd be a sense of heaven.

"Why would I show up, just to see what I can't have?" -3OH3

Call me queer

Call me queer. Call me old fashion. All I want, more than anything, is a girl who is just fun. Someone who doesn't have drink, wants to wait to have sex, and just loves to have fun. I want someone with problems I can handle. Someone who can handle my problems. I'm nothing special. I'm just a kid with a goal and a little ambition. If I could just find someone, anyone who can handle such a burden, my life would be absolutely amazing.
"For every breath wasted on you, I could have filled my troubled lungs." -Anonymous

Seeing your face kills me

I lay here watching as these days fly by and I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing. Then, like a bad train wreck I feel the realization hit me.
What am I doing in this hypocritical world? Why do friends have to judge? And why do I care?
I'm so sick of trying to please; searching for the perfect girl and always coming up short. They never seem to measure, and now I lay here and watch as the one girl I can see is all over someone else. It is more disappointing that I made the mistake of not seeing things sooner, than actually having to watch this. This I can handle. This I've seen before.
Regret is such a harsh word. I don't ever regret things or wish they could have been different. I just wish I knew how to make what I want to happen work now, after the fact. The idea of this engulfing my body for any longer than it needs is almost devastating. I'm tired, literally tired of everything. Trying to make things right. Trying to control. Trying to feel. It's probably the most physically draining thing that can be felt.

"If I was a flower growing wild and free, all I would want is you to be my sweet honey bee."

Video Flash

I've recently been working on a video for a class I'm taking. The video is a a music video recreation for edu. Purpose. Oddly I was shocked to find how much work is really involved in something like this. In the last week I've learned more about lighting then I know about myself. I now know that there's about a thousand lights and a billion people involved, just to shoot ONE scene. There's back lights and Key lights and soft lights and shadows and hard lights.

"More lights than your body has room for."

All I can really hope for is that it comes out looking professional in the end because, in all actuality, I have never created anything that was finished and ready for the public viewing. We'll just have to see, I guess.

Lunch room extravaganza

Daily, I find myself sitting with the craziest group of kids. They really are the unlikely group of friends, that I never expected to make. Most of them, are highly academic people who follow values much like mine with a minor difference: the idea of a good time.
These kids live for each other, they aren't caught up in the party life or the latest trend. They're full of inside jokes and outside mayhem and they are slowly starting to change my outlook of things.
Truthfully, they really are the greatest people you could ever know and they may very well be the defining factor of whether I am sick or sane.

I don't know why I do this...

I never know why I start these things. Eventually, I will forget it even exists and go on with life. Hopefully though, I will be able to jot down a few words about life that will help myself and possibly someone else.
I must disclaim that my words for some reason tend to be powerful and the possibility of you being influenced or even offended is highly likely. I don't write for anyone except myself; anything that others gather is their own responsibility.

"It is the spectator, and not life, that art really mirrors. All art is quite useless." -Oscar Wilde

Rhetorical questions

If you could ever go back to that moment and say the words different…
If you could pull in the tide and grasp that moment…
If you could reach out and touch the stars…
If you could feel so alive that it kills you…
If the stars could be closer…
If you could confide everything in one person…
If you could step back to see the view, and never lose your place…
If you could throw it all away…If you could see in to my mind…
If you could just wake up…

Would you?
It's "just a hoax. So forget" it

I envy your ignorance

I often lay awake at night wondering what it is that I’m still doing here. I spend each day surrounded by people of different religions and cultures, all of them with a belief in something. Beliefs in god, heaven,hell, afterlife, reincarnation, I envy all of it. I wish that I could simply believe in something.

Many times I feel as if I am cursed to have to suffer the harsh reality of it all coming to an end one day and for what? Why do I bother?I will spend my life searching for something that’s not there; doomed to roam for nothing. I will pour hours of work and dedication in to a passion that will be tossed out when I’m gone. I find myself anxious, grasping on for an excuse to waste my time just a little longer.

I have lost faith in everything that could bring peace of mind. I used to believe that Love was the answer to the questions and honestly that has been ruined for me. One after another my passions die out and I am left to watch the ignorant bask in their happiness, believing that they will live on for eternity in their happiness. They get to die thinking they’re starting over. I will die knowing that it’s the end and until that very last breath I will be fighting for nothing.

I am in no way scared to die; though, to miss out would be devastating.

A little side note: I knew a girl once that made all this alright. My beliefs, or lack thereof, have never changed, but while losing sight of her, I also lost sight of the answer to my questions. To have back that feeling, would be enough heaven for me.

A riot sounds nice

It is days like these that I lay around and I wonder where I will be next year or the year after. Sure, I know I'm going to Flagstaff, but where will I actually be. Will everything fall in to place like I've been hoping or will my entire world come crashing down before my eyes.I'm only 17 and yet I feel like I've already experienced the world. Meeting people from everywhere, and always falling in love with the ones I can never have. All I really want in life is to be happy. I'm not looking for rich and famous; just successful at something. I want to wake up every day next to a girl that blows my mind. That after 8 months, 8 years, 8 decades, I still feel the way I did that day walking. I thought I had all this once; the job (for the time), the girl, the friends. I never thought high school could get better… and I'm still under that impression honestly. Out of everything I could have or be, I just want to be happy like that again.

Maybe this is the large amount of Tylenol and Vick's Vapor Rub talking, but sometimes I really feel nostalgic for everything that once was. I stepped back to look at the view and everything was clear again but I couldn't manage to step forward again. Is everything lost? Or is all the world gained? I guess there's only one way to find out.

"Mair don noiméad"