I miss you so damn much and it eats me away inside everyday. I know why you left and I understand that it had to happen but I just wish there was some way to go back and change it. I can hardly sleep at night just thinking of the time we used to spend together and when I sleep I am haunted by good dreams that quickly turn for the worse.
I wake up sweating, my heart beating rapidly, and panting trying to tell myself it was just a dream that everything is fine. Even as I calm down I know that I am lying to myself and that it wasn't just a dream. You really are gone from my life and all I have is the memory of what once was. I can hardly breath just typing this.
It seems like a life time ago that you went but inside it feels like yesterday. It restricts me from doing my job, my school, living life. It brings me down inside and outside. It causes everything to tumble like a domino effect and before I know it I am trapped under a pile of my own mess that I created for myself.
Maybe I should be over it by now and maybe I should have just accepted what I can't change but I can't seem to do that. Every time I tell myself I am ok, I already know I am lying. I am not ok at all.
Maybe I just want some answers. Maybe I just need to talk to you. I would kill just to spend another day reminiscing and talking about life and everything in between. I would give up anything for that opportunity, but we both know that is not possible.
Honestly, I question why I am even writing this. As if somehow I believe that you will read this and respond. I know that won't happen, but what I would do for it to happen.
"Sometimes you must simply let go and sometimes you must hold on, but no matter the situation, the answer, you must find within."
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